Back in January, when I was finally climbing out of whatever the horrid sickness was that I came down with in November, I had a strong feeling that God was preparing me for something. I still don’t know what that is but I have wondered if the whole COVID-19 situation was part of it. Maybe.

Maybe. Maybe He was preparing my heart to be ready to serve in a way I never dreamed of when I started sewing face masks for Mr. Hot Stuff, friends, family, charity groups, and the medical community. That reawakened an old pastime that had been retired for a good 20 years. It’s been fun to brush up on my sewing skills and realize that maybe I’ve still got the stuff when it comes to that. There was a time when sewing was one of the things I did best. Now, with the internet, I’m learning even more. Maybe God was helping me wake up to that talent again.
Maybe. Maybe he was preparing me to feel how he rejoices when new babies are welcomed into this world – to see their complete and utter reliance on, and love for their parents. Maybe he was teaching me to see with new eyes the love all around me.
Maybe. Maybe God was preparing me to be able to see the good in a world becoming more divided every day. I’ve learned to see God’s hand in the way people spontaneously serve one another. Whether it’s donating fabric for masks, or sharing ideas for how to safely navigate a world with COVID, or how a large group of even larger young men (who happened to have brown skin in my predominantly white city) made a protective human barrier for two little old white ladies trying to hurry their shuffle out of the local Walmart and not get mowed down by all the other people in a rush to get by them. Those guys were angels that day for my mother-in-law and her cousin. She couldn’t stop praising them. Their actions that day did more to turn hearts than any burning buildings. I wish I could meet them and give them a non-socially-distanced hug. Or free custom face masks – bless them for being Jesus’s hands and feet that day. Maybe God was helping me get closer to him so that I could still see him in spite of the turmoil of today.

Maybe. Maybe God was preparing me to trust him in the great and small things, so that when the sonographer said that my severe coughing back in November and December had not caused a herniation, but that I had a large mass apparently attached to my right ovary, I could respond to the information calmly, and hear the details he was telling me. Maybe this is what God has been preparing me for. Maybe.

Maybe the time I’ve spent praying, meditating, and pondering scripture, is how God prepares me to meet the fresh challenges and joys of each new day, and to face the uncertainties that come with faith. How he helps me remember all the other days that he’s been there for me preparing me, and walking through them with me like those kind young gentlemen did for my mother-in-law that day at the store.

Tomorrow is my CT scan. We’ll see what happens with that. Regardless, I know that God is aware of me. He knows my beginning and my end. He loves me and will walk with me through whatever the future holds. As I’ve studied the Book of Mormon and the Bible, I’ve seen the many ways God delivers his people, and I’m learning to trust that even when the deliverance might look like suffering, God knows the bigger picture, and will work all of it to the ultimate deliverance of those who love him.

6 And it came to pass that Alma said unto him, taking him by the hand: Believest thou in the power of Christ unto salvation? 7 And he answered and said: Yea, I believe all the words that thou hast taught. 8 And Alma said: If thou believest in the redemption of Christ thou canst be healed. 9 And he said: Yea, I believe according to thy words. 10 And then Alma cried unto the Lord, saying: O Lord our God, have mercy on this man, and heal him according to his faith which is in Christ.
Alma 15:6–10 https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/alma/15?id=p6-p10&lang=eng#p6

I’m still journaling my way through the Book of Mormon and it’s continuing to be a life changing experience for me. I don’t know how many times I’ve read this book and grown from it every time, but this time feels different for me. It’s been deeper somehow. I don’t really have words for it.