Note: I have tried to locate a source for this, but have so far been unsuccessful. It was copied from an email someone forwarded to me years ago. If you know who wrote it, please let me know in the comments, I would love to give them credit.
Dear Mr. Shivers,
Re: Statement of Account for Sun-Rising Services
Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention. On checking our records, we realize that there has indeed been a serous omission on our part, since it appears that whilst you have been in receipt of Sun-Rising Services for a number of years, you have not been included in our automated billing system and statement of account service. We apologize most sincerely for this irregularity, and will of course be conducting rigorous internal enquiries to ensure that the miscreant responsible for this grave oversight is brought to bear the full responsibility for their laxity. Moving in a Mysterious way is all very well, but really, if no one knows what anyone’s doing, how on earth are we to bring order from chaos, we ask?
We would remind you of our terms of service viz:
PROVISION OF SUN-RISING SERVICES
The Provider of the Service herein known as the Provider) undertakes to supply the Recipient of the Service (herein known as the Recipient) with the following Basic Service:
One (1) sun-rising per calendar diem, Sundays and Bank Holidays not excluded.
Payment for such service to be billed monthly in arrears.
And with our Special Supplementary Service (to include reappearance of Sun following full eclipses and any other special effects we may from time to time see fit to provide, including the Thunderbolt of Zeus).
(Please note: due to lack of current demand, we have withdrawn the once popular Rain of Frogs from our Special Supplementary Service. Recipients wishing to take advantage of this unique experience may sign up by separate agreement for a one-off Short Shower, consisting of a brief local deluge of no more than 10 assorted amphibians.)
As you will recall, when you registered with us for receipt of service (you did sign, didn’t you? Because if you didn’t then what’ll be raining down is, we assure you, going to be considerably more messy than frogs), you elected to fulfil your obligations under your Individual Service Agreement by means of our Easy-Pay-Smile-Package ie: One (1) Smile per Sun-Rising, with the Special Protection Option allowing you to catch up on those no-smile days by means of a hearty guffaw as circumstances change.
Having checked your Record of Account, we are delighted to tell you that your account is presently in credit, and no changes are necessary for you to continue to receive Sun-Rising Services for the foreseeable future. We apologize most sincerely for any inconvenience you may have been caused, and assure you of our best attention at all times in the future.
With kindest regards,
The Recording Angel